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Watching Every Motion
By PadmeSolo
I knew it was wrong, beyond wrong. In the beginning, the very beginning, it hadn’t been this way. I had loved Anakin then. He had loved me. It had been that simple. Nothing could have kept either of away from the other. We were like two peas in a pod, soulmates really. That was before, of course. I suppose he still loves me, but I don’t love him. Every moment of my life I feel guilty for what has happened. Every moment, I wish I still loved him, but I know I don’t. I’m beginning to wonder if I ever did.
Watching every
motion
I know his eyes were on me every
moment. Each of those moments, I was
losing myself. I knew I was losing
Anakin with each motion I made. Every
time I met his dazzling blue-green eyes I lost the love of my life. What pains me even more, is that each time
he looked at me, he was losing his life.
He was giving up everything he had worked for in one heated glance. It was wrong. It still is wrong, but I know we can’t for get it. I know we can’t stop. Not now.
On this endless
ocean
Finally lovers know no shame
The first time we met, I remember it like yesterday, was pleasant enough. There were no heated gazes, no hidden agendas, just pure innocence. He was kind, but young and ignorant, contrary to what he might say. I was the same, for sure. I had no time for dabbling in love affairs; I had a planet to save. And he was there to help me along with Anakin and his master, Qui-Gon. If only he had not died. Then I would not have had to comfort him, to become his friend. I remember the first words he spoke after he had cried in my arms. He told me thank you, just thank you.
Turning and
returning
To some secret
place inside
That was the beginning of the end. We spent hours together until he returned to the Jedi Temple, hidden away from me for some years. The next time I was graced with his presence was ten years later. He had changed. He was no longer innocent to life, but neither was I. Anakin was there as well, his beautiful blue eyes following my every move. But I was all too aware that his were not the only eyes on me. I know he wasn’t trying to watch me, trying to seduce me, but it happened. Every time he spoke, chills ran through my body.
Watching in slow
motion
As you turn around
and say
And then Anakin and I went away. I didn’t see him, and suddenly I realized I missed his accented voice. What disturbed me more, however, was that I missed his eyes on me. I missed him watching my motions. Anakin was good enough at filling the part. His heated gaze followed me every step I took, but it was not the same. Not the same as his Master’s.
But I ended up marrying him, Anakin. I’m sure I was trying to run from my other, more volatile feelings, though I know I loved him. The wedding was a secret. I don’t think I could have dealt with the other love of my life watching me marry another man. But then again, maybe it wouldn’t have been that bad, considering he had no idea of my feelings towards him. I returned to Coruscant to do my duty. Anakin went back to him to finish his training. He knew we were married, but every time we were in the same room, I could still feel his gaze. He was still watching me.
Watching I keep
waiting
Still anticipating love
I can still remember the moment. The moment we both realized it was pointless to resist. It occurred at some party some senator was giving, I truly don’t remember who. He hates politics almost as much as Anakin, but both of them were there, trying their best to look as if they were having the time of their life. I noticed him wander away from the party and out of the ballroom. Something compelled me to follow the Jedi. I still can’t quite say what. I found him in a library, filled with books and data cards. He rose when I entered the room. Neither of us said a word as we silently advanced towards each other. When we were inches apart he held my gaze as he reached up and caressed my cheek. I must have nodded, or done something to indicate I would not resist because the next moment his lips were crushing mine.
Never hesitating
To become the fated ones
I did not return to the party that night. I did not even return to share my bed with Anakin. I spent the night in his arms murmuring expressions of love in his ear. I don’t think either of us really believed what we had done. He was Jedi and I was Senator, not to mention that I was already married to his apprentice. It would never work. Both of us knew, neither cared. There was a passion between us that could never be rivaled and we both knew it.
Turning and
returning
To some secret place inside
We agreed to say nothing. Anakin had no idea. I know that for sure. He thought I had gone to work and finished up something for the next day. Using his idea I started spending many ‘late nights at work’. It’s a wonder he never figured out what was happening. I didn’t even have to try to hide anything; he just accepted what I was doing. Every time we were in the same room, he was watching me. It’s an absolute miracle Anakin didn’t at least figure something out from the fact that his Master’s gaze never left me. All those nights, I used to feel guilty. But now, I watch too.
Watching in slow
motion
As you turn around and say
Now, he even comes to me. The number of times we’ve laid together in our bed, in Anakin’s apartment, is probably blasphemous. The number of times we’ve stolen kisses in the Jedi Temple is amazing. Many times, when Anakin simply had his head turned away. I suppose you could say we’ve become careless. There doesn’t seem to be a problem with that, however. We’re such an unlikely pair; people just don’t see what’s in front of them. They don’t see our love.
But we know Anakin’s secret, even if he doesn’t know ours. We know what he’s doing, but we stopped caring a while ago. I guess it’s not a good thing that we’re willing to sacrifice the entire galaxy for our love, but who said love was nice? It hurts. When we can’t see each other, when Anakin’s actually paying attention, that’s when it hurts. That’s when I want nothing more than to kill my husband. I know I shouldn’t think like that, but love does that to you. I’m no longer the rational Senator and he’s no longer the wise Jedi.
Through the
hourglass I saw you
In time you
slipped away
He’s still unbelievably handsome. His chestnut hair has not grayed and his eyes still shine with love and mischief. He still loves me every moment of the day, but he’s changed too. He doesn’t pay attention to the Jedi anymore; he doesn’t care about Anakin. His world is me and mine is him. I know Anakin will turn soon. I can feel it when I’m in his presence. I think he might actually know now, but there’s no way to tell.
When the mirror
crashed I called you
And turned to hear you say
Palpatine will have his way, I’m sure of that. I know Obi-Wan, yes my love is Obi-Wan Kenobi, and I could stop him. I know we could forfeit our love and save millions of lives. But we won’t. We’ll weather the storm together and I know we’ll survive. Anakin will fall, evil will rise, but we will still have each other. And in this day and age, that’s all that matters to me.
If only for today
I am unafraid
We will watch everything fall around us. That’s what we decided the moment he took me in his arms and marked me as his own. I was stolen from Anakin by his Master. I suppose we should have pages of regrets, but we don’t. We know it’s wrong, but right and wrong stopped mattering that day as well. I don’t call myself an adulterer and he doesn’t say he’s broken any vows to the Jedi. That’s not how it works in our world.
I suppose we’re rather foolish. To give everything up for hopeless love? That is rather extreme, I suppose. But every time I’m in his arms and he calls out my name, I know there is no other way. We’ve achieved our own reality and there is no other option. We have to watch.
Watching every
motion
In this foolish lover's game
When I really get to thinking about what Obi-Wan and I are doing, I understand. I understand that everything is not as it should be. I know we should still be the innocent young Queen and arrogant, but innocent as well, young Jedi Padawan. I know I should really be married to Obi-Wan, or not involved with him at all. I also know I don’t love Anakin.
Haunted by the
notion
Somewhere there's a love in flames
A day will come when everything will change. Someday, we will not have our love, but until then, I know we will not let out our flame. I know we won’t care when Anakin comes to kill us. I know we will defeat him. I also know I’m pregnant with Anakin’s children. Much to Obi-Wan’s annoyance, I’m actually pregnant by my husband. I guess he had hoped they would be his, but he also knows I need to have Anakin’s children. He knows it is the will of the Force.
Turning and
returning
I know our love will outlast our hope. I know that is our destiny.
Watching in slow
motion
As you turn around
and say
Take my breath away
(c) 1986 GMPC/Famous Music Corp ASCAP
TAKE MY BREATH AWAY
(G. Moroder / T. Whitlock)